Comedy of errors, p.9
Comedy of Errors, page 9
ACT 4, SCENE 3
Original Text
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me
As if I were their well-acquainted friend,
And every one doth call me by my name.
Some tender money to me; some invite me;
5
Some other give me thanks for kindnesses;
Some offer me commodities to buy.
Even now a tailor called me in his shop
And showed me silks that he had bought for me,
And therewithal took measure of my body.
10
Sure, these are but imaginary wiles,
And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, here’s the gold you sent me for. What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-appareled?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What gold is this? What Adam dost thou mean?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
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Not that Adam that kept the Paradise, but that Adam that keeps the prison; he that goes in the calf’s skin that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I understand thee not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
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No? Why, ’tis a plain case: he that went, like a bass viol in a case of leather; the man, sir, that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a sob and ’rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a morris-pike.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What, thou meanest an officer?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band; he that brings any man to answer it that breaks his band; one that thinks a man always going to bed and says “God give you good rest.”
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
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Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ships put forth tonight? May we be gone?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the bark Expedition put forth tonight, and then were you hindered by the sergeant to tarry for the hoy Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you.
35
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
The fellow is distract, and so am I,
And here we wander in illusions.
Some blessed power deliver us from hence!
Enter a COURTESAN
COURTESAN
Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.
40
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.
Is that the chain you promised me today?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, is this Mistress Satan?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
It is the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
45
Nay, she is worse; she is the devil’s dam, and here she comes in the habit of a light wench. And thereof comes that the wenches say “God damn me”; that’s as much to say “God make me a light wench.” It is written they appear to men like angels of light. Light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn: ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.
50
COURTESAN
Your man and you are marvelous merry, sir.
Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, if you do, expect spoon meat; or bespeak a long spoon.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
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Why, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
(to COURTESAN) Avoid then, fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress.
60
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.
COURTESAN
Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner
Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail, a rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin, a nut, a cherrystone; but she, more covetous, would have a chain. Master, be wise. An if you give it her, the devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.
65
COURTESAN
I pray you, sir, my ring or else the chain.
I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
70
Avaunt, thou witch!—Come, Dromio, let us go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
“Fly pride,” says the peacock. Mistress, that you know.
Exeunt ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
COURTESAN
Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad;
Else would he never so demean himself.
75
A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,
And for the same he promised me a chain.
Both one and other he denies me now.
The reason that I gather he is mad,
Besides this present instance of his rage,
80
Is a mad tale he told today at dinner
Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.
Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the doors against his way.
My way is now to hie home to his house
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And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rushed into my house and took perforce
My ring away. This course I fittest choose,
For forty ducats is too much to lose.
Exit
ACT 4, SCENE 3
Modern Text
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE enters.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Every person I meet greets me like an old friend, and every one of them knows my name. Some of them give me money, some invite me places, some thank me for the kind things I’ve done for them, some try to sell me things. Just now a tailor showed me fabrics he bought especially for me and then started to take my measurements. These are tricks of the imagination, and this place is filled with magicians.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Here’s the money you wanted, master. Hey, have you gotten rid of that Adam?4
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What gold is this? Who’s this Adam you speak of?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Not the Adam from the garden of Eden, but the Adam from the jailhouse. The one that wears leather clothes. The one that grabbed you and arrested you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No? It’s plain enough. The Adam who looks like a cello, in a big leather case. The one who gives tired people “arrest.” The one who gives ruined men new suits—law suits. The one who’s determined to do more damage with his nightstick than a soldier does with his pike.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
You mean an officer?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yes, the leader of the team; the one that gets you if you can’t pay a debt; the one who assumes people are always going to bed and says to them, “Have arrest.”
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Well, sir, stop your joking there. Are any ships leaving tonight? Can we go?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Why, sir, I told you an hour ago that the good ship Expedition was leaving tonight, but then the officer got you, and you decided to wait for the little rowboat Delay. Here’s the bail money you sent me to get.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
This fellow’s gone mad, and so have I. We’re in some kind of dream world. Please, somebody, get us out of here!
A COURTESAN enters.
COURTESAN
Good to see you, Master Antipholus. I see you’ve met with the jeweler. Is that chain you’re wearing the one you promised to give to me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Get away from me, Satan! Don’t try to tempt me!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, is this Satan’s mistress?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
She’s the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, she’s worse: she’s the devil’s mother, and she comes to us disguised as an easy wench. And that’s why some women say, “God damn me,” which is the same thing as saying, “God make me an easy wench.” The Bible says the devil looks like an angel of light. But fire also gives off light, and fire will burn you. In other words, easy wenches will burn you. Keep away from this one.
COURTESAN
You and your servant are very funny, sir. Will you come with me? Can we finish our lunch?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, if you eat with her, bring really long silverware.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Because of the old saying: “He who eats with the devil needs a very long spoon.” You need to keep far away from them.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
(to COURTESAN) Get away, you demon! You talk about eating? You’re a sorceress, like everyone else here. I’ll conjure you, like a spell: get away from me.
COURTESAN
Give me back the ring I gave you at lunch, or give me the necklace you promised in exchange. Then I’ll be gone, sir, and stop troubling you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Some devils ask for nothing more than nail clippings, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin, a nut, or a cherry pit. But this one’s greedy: she wants a necklace. Be wise, master. If you give it to her, she’ll shake the chain and frighten us, like the angel in the Bible.5
COURTESAN
Now listen, either give me my ring or give me the necklace. I hope you’re not trying to cheat me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Be gone, witch! Come, Dromio, let’s go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Accusing us of cheating is like the proud peacock accusing someone else of pride. Mistress, you know about that.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE exit.
COURTESAN
Antipholus has gone insane, no question about it. If not, he’d never behave like this. He has a ring of mine, worth forty ducats, and he promised to give me a necklace in exchange for it. Now he won’t give me either. The reason I think he’s insane, besides the way he just acted, is that he told a senseless story over lunch about being locked out of his own house. His wife probably did it on purpose because she knows what kind of fits he’s having. I must go to his house and tell his wife that he came bursting into my place like a lunatic and stole my ring. It’s my best option: I can’t afford to lose forty ducats.
She exits.
ACT 4, SCENE 4
Original Text
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and the OFFICER
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Fear me not, man. I will not break away:
I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,
To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.
5
My wife is in a wayward mood today
And will not lightly trust the messenger
That I should be attached in Ephesus.
I tell you, ’twill sound harshly in her ears.
Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS with a rope’s end
Here comes my man. I think he brings the money.
How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for?
10
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
But where’s the money?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
15
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
To a rope’s end, sir, and to that end am I returned.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And to that end, sir, I will welcome you. (beats DROMIO OF EPHESUS)
OFFICER
Good sir, be patient.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Nay, ’tis for me to be patient. I am in adversity.
OFFICER
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Good now, hold thy tongue.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou whoreson, senseless villain.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
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I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long ears.—I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear it on my shoulders as a beggar wont her brat, and I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
35
Come, go along. My wife is coming yonder.
Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTESAN and a schoolmaster called PINCH
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Mistress, respice finem, respect your end, or rather, the prophecy like the parrot, “Beware the rope’s end.”
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Wilt thou still talk? (beats DROMIO OF EPHESUS)
COURTESAN
How say you now? Is not your husband mad?
ADRIANA
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His incivility confirms no less.—
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.
LUCIANA
Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
COURTESAN
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Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.
PINCH
Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is my hand, and let it feel your ear. (strikes PINCH)
PINCH
I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers
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And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight.
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Peace, doting wizard, peace. I am not mad.
ADRIANA
O, that thou wert not, poor distressèd soul!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You minion, you, are these your customers?
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Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house today
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut
And I denied to enter in my house?
ADRIANA
O husband, God doth know you dined at home,
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Where would you had remained until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
“Dined at home”? Thou villain, what sayest thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Were not my doors locked up and I shut out?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
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Perdie, your doors were locked, and you shut out.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not she herself revile me there?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Did not her kitchen maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Certes, she did; the kitchen vestal scorned you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
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And did not I in rage depart from thence?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
In verity you did.—My bones bear witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
ADRIANA
(to PINCH) Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?
PINCH
It is no shame. The fellow finds his vein
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And, yielding to him, humors well his frenzy.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to ADRIANA) Thou hast suborned the goldsmith to arrest me.
ADRIANA
Alas, I sent you money to redeem you
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Money by me! heart and goodwill you might,
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But surely, master, not a rag of money.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
ADRIANA
He came to me, and I delivered it.
LUCIANA
And I am witness with her that she did.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
God and the rope-maker bear me witness
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That I was sent for nothing but a rope.
PINCH
Mistress, both man and master is possessed.
I know it by their pale and deadly looks.
They must be bound and laid in some dark room.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
(to ADRIANA) Say wherefore didst thou lock me forth today.
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(to DROMIO OF EPHESUS) And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
ADRIANA
I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And, gentle master, I received no gold.
But I confess, sir, that we were locked out.
