High gloom, p.30
High Gloom, page 30
part #6 of The Bad Guys Series
"Mind grabbing my slice from the oven?" a voice said.
I looked over my shoulder and saw a young man, maybe early twenties, sitting in a booth. He had a Yankees cap pulled low over his eyes and wore a black leather jacket with an insignia I couldn't quite parse.
"Sure," I said, already on autopilot. I slipped behind the counter, saw my uncle in the back unnecessarily kneading the dough with a girl whose shorts were really just a frame for her mostly bare ass. She had to be just on the cusp of twenty. It wasn't that hard to imagine why my uncle's place got a “C.” Still, the pizza was some of the best in the city.
I snatched the slices from the oven, put them both on a paper plate, put the paper plate on a tray, and slid the tray on the counter.
"Order's up," I said.
"Mind bringing it to me?" he asked. "Also a Pepsi?"
"We only have Coke."
"Really?"
I looked over at the soda machine. There was now a Pepsi spot as well.
"Oh, okay," I said, trying to remember that this probably wasn't real. I wasn't actually back in the Bronx slinging slices — I was an elf. In Vuldranni. But I still filled up a glass with crushed ice and Pepsi, and brought everything over to the man. "Here you go."
"Sit," the man said, conversationally.
"Nah, I'm--"
"Sit." This time there was force behind it, and while I don't remember the actions, I was no longer standing. He winked at me, and pivoted one of the slices toward himself. He pulled his drink off the tray, taking a sip from it.
"Is this—”
"You should eat," he said.
"I'm not—”
He gestured, and there were two slices in front of me. Pepperoni and plain, like I'd usually gotten for lunch. And over to one side was my own plastic cup filled with crushed ice and Mountain Dew.
"Eat."
I wasn't going to pass up pizza. It'd been a while. I made sure to remember that, running through my time in Vuldranni where I had most definitely not had pizza in a long time and now I was eating pizza here. So this was not real.
"Or is it?" the young man asked without looking up from his pizza. He took a bite, and then waved at his mouth. “Dang molten cheese."
He tried to snatch the cup, but knocked it.
I grabbed his cup and kept it from falling over. Not a drop spilled.
"Thanks," the man said, and almost poured ice in his mouth.
"Got to watch it," I said. "Rocco likes his pizza served hot."
The man nodded, with his mouth full of ice. "Got that," he mumbled.
"Who are you?" I asked.
All I got was a smile as the man went back to his pizza.
When I realized he wasn't ready to answer, I ate my first slice. Pepperoni. Always the pepperoni first. I drank down the whole glass of Mountain Dew and went back to grab a second. No one stopped me. Hell, Rocco didn't even look out from the kitchen.
"Want more?" I asked.
The man shrugged, and then tossed his empty cup at me.
I caught it, refilled it, and brought both drinks back to the table.
The kids all ran past, screaming at each other in obvious excitement over what they'd done or what they were about to do. I missed those days. Not that I had that many of those days, given that most of my free time at that age was taken up by gymnastics. Thanks, Mom.
One of them gave me a weird look, and he tripped a little on his way out.
I distinctly heard the kid say something about pointy ears, but when I looked over my shoulder to see him, he was already outside. His friends ignored him, and in a second, they were all out of sight.
"This is really quite excellent," the young man said while he wiped his face on a cheap paper napkin. He balled up and tossed the napkin almost haphazardly, but the ball of trash snaked through the restaurant to wind up falling perfectly in the trashcan. "I'm willing to bet that you know who I am. Yes?"
"The Mad God?" I asked.
"Now is that a polite title for me?"
“Not really. But it’s what everyone calls you."
"They do tend to ignore my name, don't they?"
“They’re afraid you'll look in on them."
"One, as if I would bother. Two, as if that would keep me away. Did they forget I am a god? I can easily see them whenever I so choose. Say, Rose?"
He flicked his fingers, and the TV mounted in the corner stopped playing the Mexican telenovela. Instead, it flicked over to a camera following Rose in Gloomguard. She was standing at the side of the tavern talking with a group of people I recognized, but didn't know. Other mazers, likely.
"If it wasn't muted," the young man said, "I imagine you'd find her speaking about you."
"The great god that is you can't unmute the television?"
"Missing the remote."
"I think Rocco took it home."
"Explains why they've been watching telenovelas."
"You know, I used to mind, but then we started to understand the characters, and I have to admit — bit of a fan."
"Of course you are."
He flicked his hand again, and the telenovela returned.
"Why are we meeting?” he asked.
"I need to ask for something," I said.
He rolled his eyes, but bit into the other slice of pizza with gusto.
"The return of your—”
"Nope," I said, cutting him off. "I get the game. They got the game. They knew what could happen and they paid the price for our misstep. Though that is one messed up trap."
"Works so well," he said with a smile.
"How many times have you used it?"
“What do you use to make this sauce?”
“That’s — oh. Secrets of the trade, eh?"
He winked at me and took his next bite.
"I need a few thousand pounds of lifeclay," I said, tired of beating around the bush.
"You do, don't you?”
"Just said that."
"The question is why..."
He looked at me, his eyes glowing just enough that I could see them illuminate the underside of his Yankees hat. I could feel something pulsing in my body.
"Now then," he said, leaning back and leaving the remaining half-slice on his plate. "Isn't that unusual?”
"Probably."
"I knew you were one of them, but I didn't quite realize how twisted it's all become."
"What?"
"You. And all this," he gestured at me.
"You mean the corpse king?"
"That as well. It makes me wonder — what does your patron think of all this nonsense? I wonder what your patron thinks of you meeting with another god. Do they feel cheated on? Are you going to get punished I wonder? One can hope!"
"You didn't see who my patron was?"
"I won't sully myself looking at your sheet." The way he said sheet made it sound on par with fresh, goopy dog poo.
"My patron doesn't care about what I do. Or who I am. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even my patron's first choice as a, you know, whatever it is I am."
“Well. Now I am interested."
There was a flash of pain, and blood was ripped out of my face, a tiny mist coming out of each and every pore and orifice until it formed a spinning crimson globe in the air. Then it splashed down on the table and formed fine lines. Then letters. It was my character sheet, but there was more information than I'd seen before.
Clyde Hatchett - Lvl 9 Rogue
Patron - ‘Kent’ God of Shadows
Placement - Quadrant 72
Team - None
Power Ranking - Unknown
Origin - Earth ΣΞ 35 New York, New York 2015
Claims - 2
Trades - 0
Tier - Unknown
Traits
Race: 43% Elf of the Sun and Moon, 39% Corpse-King, 17% human, 1% oreiðuotur
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 195 lbs
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Blonde
Renown: Unknown
Statistics
HP: 170
STAM: 752
MP: 1138
Armor: None
Active Effects: None
Attributes
Strength: 21
Agility: 31
Dexterity: 46
Constitution: 36
Wisdom: 9
Intelligence: 48
Charisma: 19
Luck: 29
Skills
Lockpicking (LVL 16)
Silent Movement (LVL 25)
Eavesdropping (LVL 18)
Pickpocketing (LVL 24)
Stealth (LVL 107)
Parkour (LVL 15)
Meditation (LVL 1)
Archery (LVL 8)
Dodge (LVL 21)
Hauling (LVL 1)
Butcher (Invertebrates) (LVL 18)
Butcher (Exotic) (LVL 18)
Harvesting (Animal) (LVL 18)
Brain Stomping (LVL 1)
Animal Handling (LVL 3)
Fashion Master (LVL 1)
Lying to Yourself (LVL 1)
Monster Handling (LVL 1)
Swords (LVL 36)
Shields (LVL 35)
Heavy Armor (LVL 20)
Formation Fighting (LVL 13)
Traps (LVL 39)
Silent Landing (LVL 3)
Walking (LVL 3)
Baking (LVL 38)
Not Quite Golf (LVL 1)
Skull Crushing (LVL 1)
Mace (LVL 8)
Humanoid Anatomy (LVL 95)
Necromancy (LVL 55)
Religion (LVL 10)
Economics (LVL 5)
Backstab (LVL 42)
Climbing (LVL 12)
Swimming (LVL 3)
Abilities
Mana Efficiency
One of These Things is Enough Like the Other
Undead Control
Undead Mastery
Disease Immunity (Undead)
Darkness
Creeping Shadows
Shield Personal Information
Spell Recharge
Mana Precision
Magesight
Multicast
Tough Hide
Feats
None
Boons
Gift of Gab - ‘Kent’ the God of Shadows
Indicium
Skull and Thrones Guild Leader
Imperial Mark of Honor
Shadow Ministry Badge
Erg Rider
Goblin Slayer
GloomGuard ‘D’
Roald de la Rue Vouch
Titles
None
Relationships
None
Languages
Imperial Common
Plains Tauren
Mahrduhmese
Sea Elven
Ancient Elven
Archaic Dwarven
Modern Dwarven
Infernal
Celestial
Common Orc
Mountain Orc
Narbendian
Gnomish
Primordial Terran
Pirate Pidgin
Carnish
Common Kobold
Ancient Kobold
Ancient Draconic
Lower Norfang
Easter Pirate Pidgin
Ancient Gorn
Mermian
Night Goblin
Eploinian
High Elven
Old Norse
Deep Dwarven
Draconic
The Shattered Tongue
Spells
Lifeform Identification (Lvl 1)
Basic Object Identification (Lvl 1)
Minor Illusion (Lvl 1)
Summon Familiar (Lvl 1)
Shadow Step (Lvl 1)
Minor Heal Self (Lvl 3)
Stamina Regeneration (Lvl 5)
Zeddington’s Infinite Key (Lvl 1)
Silent Image (Lvl 1)
Detect Secret Doors (Lvl 1)
Satisfaction (Lvl 1)
Summon Outsider Guardian
Lesser Drain
Raise Dead (Lvl 28)
Animate Skeleton (Lvl 38)
Animate Flesh (Lvl 41)
Stitch Flesh and Bone (Lvl 25)
ReAnimate (Lvl 44)
Disrupt Life (Lvl 29)
Vicious Wrench (Lvl 45)
Heal Undead (Lvl 38)
Hold Monster (Lvl 44)
Hold Humanoid (Lvl 23)
Banish Undead (Lvl 10)
True Vision of Shadows (Lvl 1)
Vaux’s Brilliance (Lvl 1)
Mage Hand (Lvl 1)
Turn Undead (Lvl 1)
Animate Minor Object (Lvl 1)
Force Burst (Lvl 1)
Finger of the Stone God (Lvl 1)
Fireball (Lvl 6)
Summon Imp (Lvl 1)
Summon Celestial Ally (Lvl 1)
Summon Infernal Ally (Lvl 1)
Flamedart (Lvl 1)
Fill Minor Hole (Lvl 1)
Sticky Fireball (Lvl 8)
Flameweaving (Lvl 3)
Firespear (Lvl 2)
Acid Arrow (Lvl 12)
Acid Glob (Lvl 18)
Snowball Storm (Lvl 1)
Counterspell (Lvl 11)
Light Orb (Lvl 2)
Summon Darkling
Shield (Lvl 12)
Remote Enflame (Lvl 1)
Bonesight (Lvl 1)
Minor Wind (Lvl 1)
Major Wind (Lvl 1)
Minor Elemental Gateway (Lvl 1)
Mending (Lvl 1)
Light Self-Storage (Lvl 1)
Silence Other (Lvl 9)
Greater Aberrant Flesh Construct (Lvl 19)
Mass Raise Dead (Lvl 1)
Mass Raise Skeletons (Lvl 1)
Featherfall (Lvl 1)
Greater Identification (Lvl 1)
Create Life
Holy balls.
"The god of shadows," he said. "And you called him Kent. He let you? Oh, how things have changed out there."
"I couldn't tell you," I replied.
"You most certainly could not."
He grabbed his glass of Pepsi and walked over to the window, drinking deeply while looking out at the city.
I leaned over the bench and looked at him.
"Why do I have a patron?" I asked.
"How else would you have made it over?"
"But, I mean, why--"
"Oh, I think you know."
"I have no idea."
He stared at me for a few moments, his blue eyes still glowing.
"Hrm," he said after a moment, then he took a bite of pizza. "You don't know. I find that odd."
He walked back in the booth while reaching into his pocket, and brought out a small notebook and a pencil. He scribbled something down, and then slid into the booth. I watched the foot traffic outside for a bit before sneaking a glance down the street where I could just see a tiny piece of Manhattan in the distance. It felt nice to see home again, even if it was all in this mad god's nonsense attempt at whatever.
I walked back to the booth.
The bell above the front door rang, and a pudgy guy in a black peacoat walked in, beanie pulled low against the cold, hands jammed into his pockets. He walked up to the counter, and leaned against the glass to look at the slices below.
"One sec," Rocco called out from the back.
I turned and watched my uncle come out, wiping his floury hands on his apron.
The guy ordered two plain slices and a Sprite. My uncle threw the slices in the oven and got the drink. The man paid. It was a completely ordinary interaction, but there was something fantastic about it to me. Something I' d been involved with countless times, but I couldn't stop watching.
Rocco glanced over at us, and by instinct, I looked away.
"Clearly," the Mad God continued, "you realize there is more going on in Vuldranni than what’s on the surface, right?"
"I mean, that's obvious," I replied.
"It's just odd to find one of you who has had so little interaction with their patron. In fact, I don't even think you've got your boons listed on your sheet, do you?"
He lifted up his plate, and peered at my character sheet again. He did a little wiggle-waggle with his fingers, and the letters and everything moved around.
"You did not," he said. "Very strange indeed. It makes me consider that, perhaps, old 'Kent' was breaking the rules with you."
"What rules?" I asked. "What are you talking about?"
"The rules. The only thing that matters to most gods."
"Minus the mad ones?"
"Yes, well, one of the joys of being mad is ignoring every reality you do not wish to be a part of.”
"Too bad you aren't mad."
He blinked at me a few times, then cocked his head to the side. "Oh? Do you need a demonstration?"
"A mad god wouldn't ask for a demonstration. And he certainly wouldn't waste his time doing something like this--" I gestured at the world around me. "Either you made this or you brought me here. Either way, it's a calculated move. Madness doesn't work like that."
"And you would know about madness?"
"Sure," I said. "Go ask Rocco about his wife. How she's been hospitalized most of this decade. Schizophrenia. Delusions. Illusions. The whole kit and caboodle. And me being the lowest of the low, I was the one who got to take care of her when no one else wanted. I was the one who visited her in the hospital when my uncle had to work. I know what madness is, boss. And you're not it."
His jaw clenched tight, so tight that his muscles twitched.
"Is that, I mean, you can be however you want to be, appear as anything, right?" I asked. "Why bother with the twitching? Seems superfluous."
"I didn't realize I was doing that," he said slowly. "Getting used to the peculiarities of the human frame."
"Good luck with that."
"Yes, well, I do have eternity to figure it out."
"So," I said, "being that you aren't mad, you're pretending to be mad. Now why would a god do that?"
"You presume to know me—”
"I think you're hiding."
He stopped talking and just stared at me.
