TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1:

  Screeching, Shouting, Dancing Around Ice Cubes

  CHAPTER 2:

  Yep. I Definitely Have a Problem with Girls

  CHAPTER 3:

  Sorry About Charlie

  CHAPTER 4:

  Charlie and the Face Ripper–Offer

  CHAPTER 5:

  Me, Myself, and Hunter Down

  CHAPTER 6:

  Better Than Santa Claus

  CHAPTER 7:

  Today Is Not My Thing

  CHAPTER 8:

  The Lesson of a Dumb Princess Sing–Along Song

  CHAPTER 9:

  Things Get Hairy

  CHAPTER 10:

  Things Get Sappy

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Can Girls and Boys Actually Be Friends?

  Big Words According to Zeke

  Copyright Page

  Buy the Book

  My sister was killing me. She wasn’t shooting me, stabbing me, or poisoning me. But she was doing something almost as bad: She was hogging the TV. I wanted to watch a great show called Fight, Fight, Fight. But Mom said I had to wait for Mia’s show to end.

  Mia was watching Princess Sing-Along. It’s the worst TV show ever, starring the worst princess ever, singing the worst songs ever. Yuck.

  And Mia wasn’t just watching the show. She was also screeching the songs out loud—really, really loud. She screeched, “When others are around, la la la, keep your noise level down, la la la.”

  “Listen to Princess Sing-Along,” I told Mia.

  “What?” she asked. Then she kept singing.

  “Listen to Princess Sing-Along!” I shouted over Mia’s screeching.

  “I am listening to her,” Mia said.

  “Princess Sing-Along is telling you to keep the noise level down when others are around,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know!” Mia shouted. Then she screeched even louder, “When others are around, la la la, keep your noise level down, la la la.”

  “I’m around. So keep your noise level down,” I said.

  Mia shook her head. “You don’t count, Zeke. You’re my brother.” Then she sang even louder, “When others are around, la la la, keep your noise level down, la la la.”

  “I can’t stand the Princess Sing-Along show! I can’t stand the princess! I can’t stand the songs! And I really can’t stand when you sing along with them!” I screamed.

  Our mother ran into the room. She said, “Ezekiel Heathcliff Meeks, keep your noise level down. You’re being much too loud.”

  I said, “Mia was the one who—”

  “I heard you screaming, Zeke,” my older sister, Alexa, interrupted me. She had come into the room with our dog, Waggles.

  Waggles is a boy dog. But he was dressed like a girl dog. He wore a bright pink sweater around his big belly. He had a matching bright pink scarf around his neck. “Waggles looks girly,” I complained.

  “I put together a new outfit for him. Doesn’t he look great?” Alexa said.

  “Girly is great!” Mia said. Then she sang another Princess Sing-Along song. “Hearts and lace and flowers, la la la. Celebrate girl power, la la la.”

  “With Dad gone, there’s too much girl power in this house,” I said. I really missed my dad. He’s a soldier. He was away on a top-secret mission.

  Alexa patted my head. She said, “I know just the thing to cheer you up, Zeke. You should go to the mall. Try on some cute shoes. Look at the newest fashions. Shopping always makes me feel better.”

  “Yuck. That’s a girl thing. That won’t cheer me up,” I said.

  “I know how to cheer you up. We’ll have a tea party,” Mia said.

  “That’s a girl thing too,” I said. I wished I had some guys around. I used to play a lot with my neighbor, Cole Kennedy. Cole was really funny. He liked to stick mini marshmallows up his nose and then eat them. He could make loud, stinky farts whenever he wanted. But he moved away last week.

  The only other boy in the neighborhood was Hunter Down. He was older and much bigger than me. And he was a horrible bully.

  “Zeke, I can cheer you up,” Mom said.

  I sighed. Mom was probably going to suggest a girly thing too, like going to the beauty salon for a lovely new haircut.

  Mom said, “I can cheer you up with good news. We’re getting new neighbors. A family is moving into Cole Kennedy’s old house tomorrow. I heard they have a kid your age named Charlie.”

  “That is good news,” I said.

  “And I have more good news,” Mom said. “In a few days, your dad will be home from his top-secret mission.”

  “That is great news!” I exclaimed.

  “Also, it’s supposed to start snowing tonight. Maybe it will snow so hard that the schools will be closed tomorrow for a snow day,” Alexa said.

  “Canceling school is always good news,” I said.

  It started snowing that night. I tried to do everything I could to get my school closed for a snow day tomorrow. My best friend, Hector Cruz, said that brushing your teeth with your left hand leads to a snow day.

  Mom almost fell over from shock when she saw me brushing my teeth. I never brushed my teeth unless Mom reminded me, ordered me, or yelled at me. Often she had to remind me, order me, and yell at me. But that night, I brushed my teeth on my own.

  My classmate Owen Leach thought the best way to get a snow day was to wear pajamas inside-out and backward. So I put on my pajamas without Mom’s reminder, order, or yell.

  That shocked Mom so much that she really did fall over.

  Then I tried something my old neighbor Cole used to do to get a snow day. I put six ice cubes into a bowl. Then I put the bowl on the kitchen floor and danced around it.

  My sister Alexa walked into the kitchen. She took one look at me and said,

  I said, “I’m doing a special dance to get a snow day at my school.”

  “That’s dorky,” Alexa said. “Also, your pajamas are inside-out and backwards. They look dorky, too.”

  I stuck out my tongue at her.

  “Sticking out your tongue is dorky, too. Also, it’s gross,” she said.

  I grabbed the bowl of ice cubes, walked into the bathroom, and flushed the ice cubes down the toilet. My friend Danny Ford said that flushing ice cubes down the toilet was the best way to get a snow day.

  My sister Mia stood outside the bathroom door. She screeched a Princess Sing-Along song. “Don’t waste good water from the sea, la la la. Flush toilets just for poo and pee, la la la.”

  I closed the bathroom door and shouted, “Mind your own business!”

  She shouted back, “Toilets are my business!”

  Then Mom shouted, “Zeke, don’t shout! And it’s bedtime.”

  I shouted, “Mia was shouting, too.”

  Mom said, “Mia’s just a little girl. You should know better.”

  I was so tired of my mom and sisters. I couldn’t wait until my dad came home.

  I went to the kitchen, took out a spoon, and licked it. Then I went to my room and put the spoon under my pillow. Rudy Morse had said that was sure to bring about a snow day.

  I had great dreams that night. First I dreamed that my school was closed for snow days all week long.

  Then I dreamed that I lived on a planet made out of candy. Cole and my friends from school lived there, too. We watched TV, played basketball, and ate candy all day. Girls were allowed on the planet only on Saturday mornings and one Tuesday a month.

  Sure, they were weird dreams. But they were very happy ones. I wished they’d come true.

  My radio alarm clock went off the next morning. But I stayed in bed. The radio DJ listed all the schools from A to Z that were closed for a snow day: Alistair Elementary, Arroyo Vista Elementary, Bob Barker Middle School. That was my sister Alexa’s school. It would be a while before the DJ got to the Ws. My school was Worthsome Elementary.

  I looked out my window. It was snowing. I was sure my school would be closed today.

  I planned to watch TV, play video games, work on my LEGO circus, and read my book about the world’s fiercest animals. I would stay in my pajamas all day. It was going to be great.

  Finally, the DJ got to the Ws. Washington High School was closed. Waxie Middle School was closed. Wilson Elementary School was closed. Xavier High was closed. And Ziggler Elementary was closed.

  I hadn’t heard the DJ say Worthsome Elementary. But it had to be closed. I probably hadn’t been listening closely. Or maybe the DJ skipped it by accident.

  I was hungry. I decided to start off my day at home with a big bowl of Choco Chunk cereal. I got out of bed, walked out of my room, and headed for the kitchen.

  My mom, Alexa, and Waggles were in the living room. Mom was on the computer, Alexa was watching TV, and Waggles was sitting next to Alexa. He wore a silly, sparkly yellow bow on his head.

  The TV show announcer said, “Welcome back to The Top Twenty Most Kissable Teen Stars show. We’re at number nine, Romeo Rockman. Just looking at his juicy red lips will make you want to kiss them.”

  “Eww,” I said. “Looking at Romeo Rockman’s lips wouldn’t make me want to kiss them. I don’t want to kiss juicy red lips or any other kinds of lips.” Nicole Finkle and Buffy Maynard kept trying to kiss me at school. I didn’t like it one bit.

  Mom looked up from the computer. She said, “Zeke, hurry and get dressed. There’s a lot of snow. It will take a long time to get to school today

.”

  “But the schools are closed,” I said.

  “My school is closed,” Alexa said.

  Mom nodded. “Most of the schools have snow days. But your school is open, Zeke. I checked online.”

  “Noooo!” I cried.

  “Yes,” Mom said.

  “Ha, ha. Too bad for you,” Alexa said. Then she pointed to the TV and said, “Ooh, Romeo Rockman is so kissable.” She puckered her lips.

  Waggles gave Alexa’s lips a big, slobbery lick.

  “Eww,” Alexa said. She ran to the kitchen sink and washed her face.

  “Ha, ha. Too bad for you,” I said.

  Then Mom said, “Get ready for school, Zeke.”

  “Ha, ha. Too bad for you,” Alexa said.

  I sighed.

  Almost everyone at school was mad that we didn’t get a snow day. Chandler Fitzgerald stood in the middle of the playground and cried about it. Chandler Fitzgerald cried about everything. He cried when the toilet clogged, when the tip of his pencil broke off, and when he used up all his tissues. I told him:

  When I told him that I hoped his tears didn’t freeze on his face, it just made him cry harder.

  Victoria Crow said, “I’m glad we didn’t get a snow day. I love school. It’s easy for me. That’s because I’m the smartest kid in third grade.”

  Laurie Schneider threw a snowball at her.

  That was the only good thing that happened that day at school.

  At lunchtime, it was too cold to go outside. Our teacher, Mr. McNutty, said he’d show us a movie.

  “Can you show us Battle of the Cougars and Lions?” I asked. He shook his head.

  “How about the movie with the helicopter chasing the race cars around the football stadium?” Owen Leach asked.

  Mr. McNutty shook his head.

  “Let’s watch The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Farting,” Rudy Morse said.

  Mr. McNutty shook his head again. Then he closed the window shades, turned off the lights, and started the movie.

  It was called Serena’s Beautiful Ballet Dream. It was about a girl named Serena who dreamed of being in a beautiful ballet. Yuck.

  For a few minutes, I watched the girl dancers doing girly twirls with girly tutus and girly ribbons. Then I closed my eyes. I was so tired of girls and their girl stuff.

  Suddenly, I felt something gross and wet on each of my cheeks. I also heard disgusting slurping noises.

  “I hear disgusting slurping noises,” Mr. McNutty said. He turned the lights back on.

  I saw where the gross wet things on my cheeks and the disgusting slurping noises had come from. Nicole Finkle was crouched on my left side. Buffy Maynard was crouched on my right side. They were both kissing me.

  “Yuck!” I screamed. I rubbed my cheeks with the back of my hands, trying to get rid of the kiss marks.

  The whole class laughed.

  Mr. McNutty said, “Nicole and Buffy, you will have to stay inside during recess all week.”

  “If it keeps snowing, we’d have to stay inside all week anyway,” Nicole said.

  “And kissing Zeke Meeks was worth it,” Buffy said.

  “Yuck. No it wasn’t,” I said.

  I was entirely, totally, wholly, utterly, and completely sick of girls.

  I was very glad when school finally ended and Mom came to drive me home.

  I was not glad when my little sister Mia started singing in the minivan. She screeched a Princess Sing-Along song. “Yellow snow that’s in the street, la la la, is not something you should eat, la la la.” Then she asked, “How does snow turn yellow?”

  “It gets peed on,” I said.

  “Eww,” she said.

  Then she sang the yellow snow song again. And again. And again and again and again.

  I covered my ears most of the way home.

  Mom pointed to a moving van that was parked across the street at Cole’s old house. “The new neighbors are moving in,” Mom said.

  I couldn’t wait to meet Charlie. I hoped he liked video games and basketball. “Can I go over there and welcome Charlie to the neighborhood?” I asked.

  “Charlie’s family is probably very busy now. Wait until the moving van leaves,” Mom said.

  I made a snowman in our front yard. Cole and I used to make all kinds of snowmen. We had made a pirate snowman with an eye patch and a hook. We made a vampire snowman with a cape, fangs, and fake blood that was really fruit punch.

  My favorite was a monster snowman with half a head, three eyes, and one arm. Today, I just made a regular snowman. It wasn’t much fun doing it by myself

  My sister Alexa came outside. She said, “That snowman is boring. I’ll help you make it better.”

  “Okay. Maybe we could give it a hunchback or a horn coming out of its neck,” I said.

  “I have a better idea,” Alexa said. She took a purple flowery hat and a purple beaded necklace from her purse. Then she put them on my snowman—even the purse!

  “Why do you have to make everything girly?” I asked.

  “Girly is good,” Alexa said.

  “I’m so sick of girly stuff,” I said.

  She shrugged and returned to the house.

  “Hey! You left the girly stuff on my snowman!” I yelled. But Alexa was already inside.

  Then the moving van pulled away. I carefully crossed the street and knocked on the new neighbors’ door. A man answered.

  I said, “Hi, I’m Zeke Meeks. I live across the street.”

  “Nice to meet you,” he said with a smile.

  “Nice to meet you, too. I was wondering if Charlie wants to play,” I said.

  The man said, “Hold on. I’ll check.” Then he turned toward the house and called, “Charlie! A boy who lives across the street wants to play with you.”

  A girl my age quickly came to the door. “Hi,” she said.

  “Hi. Is your brother home?” I asked.

  “I don’t have a brother,” she said.

  “Well, is Charlie home?” I asked.

  “I’m Charlie,” she said.

  Oh, no. Charlie was a girl. Yuck. I already had too many girls in my life. My yucky sisters and yucky mom and all the yucky girls in my class were enough. I did not want another yucky girl in my life.

  “What do you want to play?” Charlie asked.

  I sure didn’t want to play dolls or dress-up or any other girl thing. I took a step back and said, “I forgot I have something to do.”

  “What do you have to do?”

  “Bye,” I said. Then I ran away.

  “You jerk!” she screamed. “You don’t have anything to do! You just don’t want to play with me!”

  I kept running toward my house.

  Then I tripped over something. I fell into a mound of snow. Above me stood Hunter Down, the bully of my neighborhood. The something I had tripped over was Hunter Down’s foot. Hunter’s foot is huge and strong. So is everything else of Hunter’s, except his brain and his heart. His brain and his heart are puny and weak.

  Hunter threw a snowball at me. Then he laughed and walked away.

  I lay in the snow, thinking that things could not get any worse.

  Then I noticed the color of the snow: yellow.

  Things had gotten worse.

  Just as I stood up, another snowball whizzed by. It knocked the purple hat off my snowman. I was glad about that.

  Then another snowball whizzed by. It knocked me down again. I was not glad about that.

  I got up and looked around to see who was throwing the snowballs.

  Charlie stood across the street with a snowball in her hand. She had a good throwing arm. For a girl, anyway. I wondered if she played base—

  A big, wet snowball interrupted my thoughts by hitting my face. I quickly made my own snowball. I threw it at Charlie.

  It missed.

  Then she threw another snowball at me. It hit my stomach and knocked me on my butt. She started screaming at me.

  “I didn’t know you were a girl when I asked. I don’t play with girls!” I screamed back.

  She threw a snowball at my shoulder. Then she ran across her front yard. She was a fast runner. For a girl, anyway.

  She went inside a snow fort. I hadn’t seen it before. She must have made it today. It was tall and wide and had a window. Charlie was a good fort builder. For a girl, anyway.

 

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