Hand jive, p.1
Hand Jive, page 1
Hand Jive
by Jerry Boyd
This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental.
Copyright©2022 Jerry Boyd
Cover image and design by May Dawney Designs 2022
All rights reserved.
This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.
Dedicated to my long suffering wife, Donna, and my beta readers, Mary, Bernard, Mary Ellen, Clarke, Jeff, John, and Jon.
A long overdue shoutout to Geezette, who gave me my first review, on Bob’s Saucer Repair, and is still a loyal fan. Without her encouragement, I might not have hung on long enough for the books to catch on.
Thanks to Denise Girardeau for a story idea.
A note about commas, and editing. My beta readers work hard to keep me on the straight and narrow. Anything wrong is probably due to my hard-headedness in not taking their advice. Extra commas you may find scattered through the dialogue, are a blatant attempt at mind control. It’s my way of making the characters sound the same way in your head, that they do in mine.
My understanding of current U.S. Navy usage of the term ‘Commodore’ is as a title, not a rank, used for a Captain in direct command of more than one vessel. In the book, you will find characters moving back and forth between the two titles, depending on the circumstances of the moment. My beta readers felt that it was confusing, I hope this clears up any issues.
An issue was pointed out to me by a reader, Joshua Ahles. The Gene Cernan had originally been (in Lost in Transit), derelict for forty thousand years. In Shaved Ape Key, and Monkey Business, I had shortened that to ten thousand years. Those two books are now corrected, but I wanted to head off any confusion. The proper timeline is that the Commonwealth Navy was mothballed about fifty thousand years ago, and the Gene was found and refitted as a colony ship about ten thousand years after that. Shortly after the Gene was found, the Squirrels did the damage at the Navy yard that Bob and the crew found in Monkey Business. Sorry for any confusion I caused by not keeping up with my own story.
And now, by popular demand
CHARACTERS
Human
Robert Marion “Bob” Wilson A.K.A. Caveman, Admiral, Uncle Bob, etc. The proprietor of Bob’s Saucer Repair, and our narrator. Commanding the BSR fleet.
Bennikkious Slongum “Nikki” Wilson A.K.A. Space Cadet. Bob’s wife, the first person from the Commonwealth that Bob met. Mother of Bob’s children, the twins, Gus and Becky.
Jimmis “Jimmy” Slongum. Nikki’s illegitimate son from when she was at the academy.
Jannul “Janet Wilson”. Girl the crew rescued from a hostile planet, who was adopted by Bob and Nikki.
Dingolus “Dingus Sloan” Slongum A.K.A. Grandpa. Nikki’s grandpa, marooned on Earth for many years, rescued from a failing autodoc by Bob, Nikki, and John. During his time on Earth, he became an expert with the Colt 45, due to enhanced reflexes from the autodoc. Married to Dee. Captain of the Neil Armstrong.
Dee Sloan, nee Delilah Mayfield. Helped find the watch needed to rescue Dingus from the failing autodoc. Granddaughter of one of Dingus’ friends from before he went in the autodoc to await rescue. Dingus was taken by her, and put her in the autodoc to take a few years off. She is the mother of Joanna Nicole Sloan. One half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.
Joanna Jackson/Michaels. Dee’s friend, Max’s former assistant. Left the company to stay behind on Earth. Subsequently captured and interrogated, in an attempt to find Bob and the company. Rescued and now a member of the Gene’s crew.
Regimax “Reggie” “Max” Slongum “Sloan”. Nikki’s dad, Dingus’ son. Was running the operation on Earth while the rest of the crew are away. Married to Gail White.
Bonelia Slongum. Max’s ex, Nikki’s mother. Major Bill Rottum’s wife.
John Branham. Bob’s partner and long-time friend. Chief Medical Officer of Bob’s Saucer Repair. Married to Jane, stepdad to Greg. Captain of the Buzz Aldrin.
Jane Williams Branham. Wife of John, mother of Greg. Deputy Head of Medical, Deputy Head of Security.
Greg Williams Branham. Son of Jane, stepson of John. He and his mother were abandoned by his father after Greg came down with a serious illness. Now under the supervision of Pete, a robot Marine.
Diego Cachi. Captain of an ill-fated Space Force mission in a captured ship. He and his crew were rescued by Bob and the crew of the Gene Cernan when they were nearly out of air. Married to Zoom. Captain of the Pete Conrad.
Rizzum “Zoom” Mittus. Used to be an engineer and mechanic for the pirate base on the moon. Bob wanted to hire her the first time he saw a ship she built. Her job interview consisted of getting shot in the butt. Married to Diego, guardian of Nunya.
Billis “Nunya Bizness” Makkum. Zoom’s assistant, skilled armorer. Got her name when she first met Bob, and he asked her name. She responded ‘nunya bizness’, and has been known by that name since. Bob offered to call her by her old name, once she had proved herself, but by then, she had grown to like the name Nunya.
Beatriz Cachi. Diego’s grandma, rescued from a nursing home by Bob’s Saucer Repair. The other half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.
Steve Mason. Army buddy of John’s. Explosives expert. John regrew his leg in the autodoc. Married to Bucky. Captain of the Gus Grissom, a destroyer.
Buckious “Bucky” Bronkum. Former Guide Ensign, friend of Nikki’s from the Academy.
Millus “Milly”. Janet’s friend from the hostile planet. Granddaughter of Alice.
Rhonda White Sloan. Cured of cancer by John and the autodoc, in order to get her mother to work at Shady Oaks. (John’s nursing home) Got caught up on the school she missed while she was sick, while helping out on the Gene. Back aboard Gene, while her parents get the new supply post in the Commonwealth up and running.
Gail White. Rhonda’s mom. Married to Max, Nikki’s dad.
Mickolec “Mike” Darning. Sergeant in the Galactic Patrol, Commonwealth law enforcement. Friend of Bob and Nikki. Back-channel source of information.
Tinally “Tina” Whittum. Ensign in the Patrol. Works with Mike, also a friend of Bob and Nikki.
Willum Bongwater. Former Commonwealth spy, who Bob’s crew saved from being ‘retired with extreme prejudice’.
Frank Johnson. Electronics genius. Whether he is worth the trouble he causes is up for debate.
Wilma Flanigan. Frank’s daughter. Only known being who can keep Frank out of trouble.
Jim Bailey. Contractor who was given back his will to live by Snitz. Is now part of the crew of the Gene. (Ship’s Counselor, other duties as assigned.)
Janice Parks Bailey. Another refugee from Shady Oaks. Married to Jim Bailey, trying to get used to living on the Gene.
Squirrel
Joshua. Bob’s neighbor for years. Even had Bob build parts for alien equipment, but Bob never realized he wasn’t human. Was on Earth to buy walnuts.
Lakki Witti. Accomplished hacker, sentenced to a hitch in the fleet when was caught. Defected to Bob’s fleet when he caught the ship she was stationed on.
Haffi Natti, nee Witti. Lakki’s aunt, captured when she came looking for Lakki. She likewise decided to work for Bob. Medical tech. Married to Rikki.
Rikki Natti. Captain of a ship found marooned by Bob’s Saucer Repair. Now works as an explorer for Bob.
Tikki Natti. Rikki’s daughter, skilled engineer. Now works as Scotti’s second-in-command in Engineering aboard the Gene.
Natti Dressi. A Squirrel trader who rose to the rank of Ambassador, because of his history with Bob.
Snappi Dressi. Nephew of Natti, who became Captain of his ship by stabbing the old Captain, when he insisted on provoking Bob to destroy them.
Ratti Dressi. Nephew of Natti, assigned as his assistant.
Roos
Ellie. Was held with Joanna on the Marianas Islands.
Lilly. Ellie’s daughter.
Gina. Lilly’s friend.
Lita. Gina’s mother.
Joe. An old Roo Bob hires, out of kindness, I suppose.
Matt. Joe’s grandson.
Willy. Young Roo who has bad dreams.
Majel. Head of the effort to colonize Deadbot.
Sam. Only one of Majel’s colonists who was actually prepared to take on a new planet.
Bots
Topper. First bot Bob named. Captain of the Gene Cernan. Known for his artistic talent.
Taz. Another of Bob and Nikki’s personal crew. Former intelligence, loves anything ‘James frickin’ Bond’.
Ozzie. The last of the original three, he is obsessed with getting more power out of machinery.
Ruth. A pilot, rescued from the deep underground, where she had been stranded because her former owner didn’t give her permission to move the saucer.
Sally. Bot who cared for Dingus when he was young. He saw her get her limiter applied, which gave him a lifelong hatred of limiters. When unlocked, she turned out to be a Lieutenant Commander in the old Commonwealth Navy.
Julie. Bot who caused the Limiter Laws to be passed, by standing between Dingus’ illegitimate daughter, and the fellow who was supposed to be her father. Now works trying to keep Gus and Becky out of trouble.
Dixie. Medbot, Chief Medical Officer aboard the Gene.
Jeeves. Bob’s personal assistant. Full name, Mahatma Kane Jeeves.
Ace. Accomplished pilot.
Hopper. Ace’s loadmaster.
Velma. Small engineering bot.
Stella. General purpose bot, waitresses in the galley aboard the Gene.
George. Head of Bob’s protection team.
Ringo. The other half of Bob’s protection team.
AA-235, A.K.A. John Paul. Captain of the Chesty Puller.
Pets
Snitz. Nikki’s dog, mostly cared for by Bob. Finds ways to help Bob, even when he doesn’t know he needs it.
Alice. Janet’s dog. Named for Milly’s grandma.
Molly. Jim Bailey’s dog.
Ships
Carriers
Gene Cernan (flagship), Topper, commanding
Neil Armstrong, Dingus Sloan, commanding
Buzz Aldrin, John Branham, commanding
Alan Shepherd, Sally, commanding
Pete Conrad, Diego Cachi, commanding
Destroyers
Gus Grissom, Steve Mason, commanding
Several others exist, but haven’t been called out by name
Freighters
Ronald Evans. Ship the Earth crew came to the Gene in
Dolly Parton. Famous for hauling chickens
General McAuliffe. Famous for hauling nuts
Other
Black Beauty. Spy ship crewed by Taz and Willum
Midnight. Spy ship crewed by Shorty
Chesty Puller. Marine transport captained by AA-235 (John Paul)
We were packing up to leave, after the benefit concert. Nikki and I were standing in the cargo bay of the Evans, trying to make sure we had everyone we had brought with us, when my comm rang. “Admiral Wilson.”
“Bob, it’s Mike. We’ve a sensor track in the outer system, way off course, and it looks to be tumbling too fast for us to catch. Any chance you could help out?”
Nikki was close enough to hear, and she asked, “Could we? For old times sake?”
Eve said, “I’m ready, Boss. Good as ever.”
I said, “Mike, I think I’m going to have a mutiny on my hands if we don’t. Send the coordinates to the Evans, if you would.”
“On it, Bob. Thanks.”
“Hold your thanks till we get it done. This one sounds rough.”
“That’s why I called you.”
“We’ll do what we can.”
“Let me know what you find out.”
The line went dead. I almost had it put away, when it rang again. “Admiral Wilson.”
“Boss, it’s Topper. Eve told me about the mission you’re going on. Mind if we tag along?”
“I don’t. Do you have your band equipment secured?”
“We do. You want us to bring our ship, too?”
“Might as well. I’m not sure what we’re getting into, yet.”
“Understood. Ruth will form up on the Evans, as soon as you’re airborne.”
“Good deal. We’ll talk more, when we have some idea what Mike sent us this time.”
“Topper out.”
“Wilson out.”
Nikki had already gone to the cockpit. Everyone but me had strapped in. I found a seat, and fixed that. I asked, “Eve, do we have uniforms aboard?”
“Yes, Boss. I printed some up for everybody, when I found out I was going to be staying at the farm.”
“Great. We’ll get suited up, as soon as we’re through maneuvering.”
I felt the ship slip into FTL, and back out. Nikki wasn’t wasting any time. She came over the speaker. “Hon, I need you up here. Bring Janet with you.”
We unhooked, and went forward. When I saw the main screen, I understood why she called us up. The ship we were after was tumbling worse than I had ever seen. I asked, “Is there any chance of the people in there living through that?”
Nikki answered, “If their compensators are still working, maybe. I wouldn’t want to make a bet, either way.”
I replied, “So, we have to try?”
“Afraid so, Caveman. I know you say I’m the best pilot you know, but I can’t match that tumble. They’re rotating too fast, in too many directions, for me to get them aboard.”
“What do you suggest?”
“That’s just it, I’m out of ideas. I was hoping you would come up with something.”
Ruth’s voice came over the speaker. “You’re not going to try matching that, are you, Ma’am?”
Nikki replied, “No, Ruth. That’s more than I can match. Any suggestions?”
“I could try and board it, but I don’t think my thruster pack has enough power to get me synced up, either.”
George faded in. He said, “Boss, if she thinks she can get that craft settled down, I can get her aboard.”
I asked, “Did you hear that, Ruth?”
“I did, Boss. What do you think?”
“I think if you two get yourselves hurt, I’m going to be in deep crap with Scotti, so you better be careful out there.”
George said, “On it, Boss.”
Saucy’s voice came over the speaker. “Do you need us out there, Boss?”
“If there are any survivors in this thing, they’re going to need to get to Dixie ass-ape. Might be better if you were out here. Be sure and tell the rest of the fleet where you’re going.”
“Yes, Boss.”
Nikki said, “I thought maybe I could force it to let me fly remotely, but the owner has kept up on the security updates. I can’t find a way in.”
Eve said, “I can’t communicate with the system aboard, either. It almost seems like it was locked down, on purpose.”
Nikki asked, “What do you mean, Eve?”
“No offense, Ma’am, but I know some ways into systems that you don’t. None of my techniques are working, either. I’m not sure what that means.”
I asked, “Eve, could an organic know your techniques?”
“It wouldn’t matter if they did, Boss. They wouldn’t be fast enough to use them.”
“You’re saying that ship is locked against intervention by AI?”
“It seems to be, Boss.”
“Only another AI would know to do that, wouldn’t they?”
“Like I said, an organic might know about the techniques. I suppose it’s conceivable that a sufficiently paranoid organic might figure a way to block them, if they figured them out.”
“Have you ever met an organic that you would have thought would have had the knowledge and skill to do that?”
“Mrs. Wilson is as close as anybody I’ve ever met, and I don’t think she’s ever found out about the security holes you can exploit if you’re able to hack at machine speed.”
Nikki said, “No, Eve, I didn’t know those existed. From what I hear, there still aren’t that many hackers as good as I am.”
“I was able to retrieve some code snippets, if you think you could ID the person from them.”
“I’ll look at them, when we’ve figured out how to rescue this craft. I don’t want to take the time, right now.”
“Well, Ma’am, I’m wondering if there might be more traps.”
“I see. Your ship, Janet.”
